Are we crazy?

In the past when I heard of people going off to expensive health spas to starve themselves I could only shake my head. Imagine paying a fortune NOT to eat anything! However, as time has past and the weight has piled up, my attitude changed somewhat. So, when I read an article about the health retreats on Koh Samui where people lost 6 or 8 or10 kilos in only a week, I sent off an email to Helen and suggested the unthinkable. And she jumped at the chance.

Deciding which one to go to - there are quite a few - proved a major web surfing challenge. We finally decided on the Spa Samui Resorts, mainly because they offered accommodation in a two-bedroom villa with private swimming pool. If we were going to starve we wanted to do it in style. The cost would be around 40,000 baht (R10,000). However, when we discovered that the villa was booked, we switched to the Health Oasis spa, which could offer us a two-bedroomed beachfront cottage. As Helen was in Los Angeles, she would fly to Samui via Hong Kong and Bangkok. I would drive from Phuket, crossing from Surat Thani to Samui by ferry.

After going through all the literature and instructions, I started off with a seven-day pre-fast on Monday 19 May. Only fruit, veg and water. No coffee, no rice, no sugar. It was a little difficult, but luckily my friend But was visiting and he helped me enormously by shopping for trolley loads of fruit and veg, and then getting the meals together for me.

It wasn't too bad. There is a lot you can concoct with fruit and veg, and the amount is not limited. There were moments when I yearned for some Thai food, with a HUGE bowl of rice, but I survived.

Because I wanted to know how much I lost on the fast, I had to get myself weighed. Now, that's not an easy task in Thailand, where the scales mainly cater for the locals ie under 140 kilograms. Finally, my workmates located a scale that would take me - at a rubber purchasing shop. So three of us from the office set off and I was duly weighed. As the scale groaned under the onslaught, the Thai people in the shop looked on amazed.... One finally sidled up to me and said: "You must eat salad!" Little did she know that I was intending to eat nothing for a while...

I did not want to drive all the way to Samui by myself, so I used loads of emotional blackmail to get But to drive me there and handle the ferry crossing. On Saturday morning, 23 May, we set off at 6am. The adventure had begun...

We arrive in Samui

We arrived on Samui Island at 12.30. As the ferry had taken longer than we expected, we only made it to the airport with a minute or two to spare. It was wonderful to see Helen and we had a good laugh about the prospect awaiting us. A running joke is that I would following in the footsteps of a another faster who could not take it anymore and caught a taxi in the middle of the night to the 24-hour Burger King in Chaweng Beach. And I had a car.... We decided that Helen would have to sleep with the car keys under her pillow. But what if she got the pangs at midnight....

We were very disappointed when we arrived at the Health Oasis. Parts of Samui are not the prettiest due to the rather disorganised and relentless development along the road that rings the island - and our resort was in one of these areas. However, it had a magnificent location right on the beach. The real problem was that the resort was rather rundown and didn't match our expectations. After seeing our cottage, we asked to check out alternative accommodation. Not much better, I am afraid, so we settled on the cottage. We would just have to make the most of it.

We went to the restaurant for lunch, which turned out to be a bit of a trying time when they could not get Helen's order of a caprese salad right and twice came out with a carrot salad. I tried a "liver flush" drink, which consists of orange juice, olive oil and garlic, among other things. The taste was decidedly odd...

We decided to take a drive around the island and check out Chaweng Beach, which is the busiest and most interesting resort. At least we could look at all the five-star resorts and dream. As we drove along, But was very quiet. But then he piped up: "No television, why you stay this hotel?" We roared with laughter. Of course, he was thinking about himself and the prospect of spending a night without TV. Unthinkable - and on a football night! Of course, he was quite right. Why were we staying in a rather crummy place that didn't even have TV in the rooms?

As we passed Lamai beach, we decided to check out the Spa Samui, where we had considered booking earlier. We struggled to find it, but when we pulled up outside we immediately decided that this was more to our liking. We rushed in and enquired whether a villa had become available. Sorry, fully booked. And what about your pool bungalows? Sorry, fully booked. "But you can try the new hotel next door," the receptionist suggested.

We walked next door and discovered that the hotel, My Q, was in a pre-opening phase. It looked rather lovely, with a huge foyer overlooking a swimming pool and a nice beach. And the moment we were shown a room we were sold - THIS is where we wanted to be. A lovely big room with a big balcony overlooking the sea, lovely big double bed, aircon, television....yes, this was more our style!!!

We haggled about the price and finally decided that Helen would have a seafacing room and I would opt for a mountain-facing one directly across the passage. We would pay the going rate for five nights and get two nights free. Sealed and signed. And Mr But was more than delighted with the change in fortunes...TV in the room!

We hurried back to the Health Oasis and informed them that we would be leaving. The lady at reception took it gracefully, but still charged us for a night. We were almost whooping with delight as we packed the car and left for the other side of the island.

We checked into our lovely rooms and hurried next door to the Spa for a delicious supper overlooking the sea. Helen had a brown rice salad and I choose three dishes, a veg curry dish, a baked potato and a plate of pumpkin. Divine!

So, we had finally arrived. Tomorrow morning we would have to be at the detox centre to register, pay and start our treatments. The saga was about to begin....

Day 1 - Sunday

The big day is here. We arise early and head for the Spa to pay for our programmes and have our first detox drink. It is a gooey mixture made from some husks, bentonite clay, a dribble of pineapple juice and water, followed by another glass of water. It's not that bad, but certainly not a banana milkshake! We discover that the day is actually very busy. While you don't actually eat anything (nothing you can chew) you take some sort of medication every 90 minutes - either the detox drink or six vitamin/detox tablets. And then you also need to find time to have 2 bowls of broth, 2 coconut juices and one carrot juice. Plus many glasses of water. So, you don't stop pouring things down your throat!

At 4pm the big moment arrives. We get instructions on how to give ourselves a colonic cleanse and then we have to undergo our first one. This is what everyone has been dreading - and we are all a little shy about discussing this sensitive topic. That will change. A pretty Indian-looking woman (our health advisor) explains how to do it . Basically you lie down on a plastic board (with a hole in it at the crucial spot). Above you hangs a bucket filled with a coffee mixture. You insert a thin plastic tube into your bum and the coffee mixture then pours into your bowel due to gravity. When you feel full, you expel the mixture and the contents of your stomach. This is performed unaided in a private colema room.

I can't get the whole board, tube and gravity bit to work and end up pouring the whole damn solution down the toilet! Helen succeeds admirably. We manage to make it to nightfall without really thinking about food too much. Luckily, the restaurant in our hotel is always empty, so we don't have the smell of food wafting past. And we are just too scared to let our minds head towards food.

We book massages at the Spa, but when we see a man lying naked in an open-sided sala, we enquire and discover that all massages are done in public. Ohhhh, no, this is not for us. I can't imagine lying there stark naked in full view of the starving passers-by. So we cancel. That night we head to Chaweng Beach, the busiest resort on the island, to find a massage parlour. We stumble on a lovely place where they offer all sorts of treatments. Helen has her feet done and I have a body oil massage.

I have a brief moment when a young man hassles me on the pavement, trying to get me into an Indian restaurant. If only - oh, god what I would do for a lovely curry!!!!! And some chicken samoosas, and some naan bread, and some ...... Oh, stop thinking about it!!!

By 9.30 we are exhausted and can barely make it back to our rooms. I fall into bed, without even turning on the TV. We have made it - ONE DAY WITHOUT ANY FOOD!!!! A unique experience fo both of us. Yay, well done. Aren't we great???

Day 2- Monday

We make it to the detox counter by 7 and start our series of drinks. We are into the swing of things. We are going to undergo two colonics every day from now one - one from 9-10 in the morning and one from 5-6pm. On Helen's suggestion, I ditch the 'colonic board' and lie down on the tiles below and, bob's your uncle, it all goes according to plan. Well, sort of. The little 'tip' keeps coming out, with coffee solution pouring out all over the room.... Overall, its not that bad. You don't really fill yourself up with solution. The moment you feel you have to release, you do. Yuuuck, enough said.

We discover that you don't have to present yourself at the detox counter every 90 minutes - take-aways are allowed. So you get the tablets upfront and the juice and other goo is packed into little plastic bags. This will make life a little easier. It means we don't have to rush to the SPA at 7am and can do some exploring of the island.

Our main aim today is to go for a swim in the sea, besides avoiding the tiniest thought of food, of course. The beach in front of our hotel (and the SPA) is very rocky and more of a harbour for small fishing boats. While its a pretty view, it's not exactly perfect for the two fatties to loll in... So, we head for Chaweng, which has the best beach on the island. We struggle a bit to find a way onto the beach - all the hotels are strung along the coastline cheek-by-jowl. But, of course, we just saunter right through one of the resorts and plonk ourselves down on their beach chairs. What a cheek! The sea is okay, not exactly Phuket, but not too bad. The resort, the Chaweng Cove Resortel, is actually quite nice, with four divine beachfront villas, all with their own swimming pool on their verandas. And next to that is a lovely restaurant, which is packed and serving . It's like a massive elephant in the room. We studiously ignore it and all we order the whole damn afternoon is a bottle of water to take our tablets. How righteous we are.

Then we head for Lamai beach, near to our hotel, and find a lovely stretch of beach. We will try that one out tomorrow.

Back at the SPA, we take a closer look at the other 'fasters'. They are a pretty mixed bunch - not too many fatties. Most are middle-aged and some are surprisingly slender. Well, the whole thing is meant to be about health and wellness, isn't it. Bugger that, it's all about losing weight! And I am sure we will.

We meet a woman at our hotel who has just flown in from Ireland for a seven-day fast. She is doing it so that she can look her best for a wedding next week. She flies back just in time for the wedding. That's dedication!

That night we take a drive to the local Tesco hypermarket for Helen to buy some suntan cream and for a foray into the food hall in search of a packet of peppermint tea. We scurry in and scurry out as if all the delicious cold meats, packet of chips and bars of chocolates are live snakes. Luckily, we are totally exhausted and really cannot wait to get to bed. But the peppermint tea is a real treat...a different taste. And we still haven't had any food. And I am not even tempted to head for the many, many 24 hour branches of MacDonalds and Burger King. Amazing, but there are five days to go. So far, so good.

Day 3 - Tuesday

We woke up at 7am to have our take-away drinks - we are sick and tired of the pineapple flavouring, so we switch to watermelon. Made with cold water it tastes much better. Not quite a watermelon shake, but bearable. Helen diligently rushed off to a yoga class, while I did battle with the Internet trying to get some information together for a trial run of my business newsletter. With Internet coverage coming and going, it was very irritating. And I feel patience is not my strong point.

What a beautiful day weather-wise! From 1.30-4 we swam in the hotel pool. Rather irritatingly, THREE people had seated themselves at the pool, including one rather strange old woman with a dog. She spent the whole time kissing and stroking the dog on her pool bed. Really!

Luckily, our Irish friend came down to report that she had lost 2kgs in her first day. She had copy of a book about "Tao", which she was reading for detox tips. The book goes into great detail about food combinations etc - why you shouldn't eat protein and carbohydrates together. She recounted some interesting facts and figures. She told me enough about fizzy drinks that she put me off Coke (or Diet Coke) for life!

In the late part of the afternoon we went off to our new beach at Lamai and had a lovely swim in the sea. The beach really is lovely, with little restaurants strung along the beach. If only we could have sat down and enjoyed a meal - now that would have made the afternoon perfect. But, no, at six we had to rush back to have another colonic cleansing and a broth. I opted to add Thai herbs to my broth. Garlic, lemongrass, coriander and lime are dropped into the soup, but you are not allowed to eat any of it.

Tiredness started creeping in early, so we decided to take a little drive through Chaweng and then hit the bed. However, the night turned into a bit of nightmare when a thunderstorm took out the electricity at around 2am. That meant an emergency light came on in the room - and no aircon! I ended up sleeping in the car with the engine running to have some aircon!

Day 4 - Wednesday

After the troublesome night, this is a tiring day. Helen skips the morning yoga, but the colonics go on. And the consumption of tablets and mixtures is running smoothly. I think we can hardly believe we have made it this far... By midday today, we will pass the halfway mark. Fabulous! We are already starting to talk about we what we will have when the fasting ends on Sunday morning. Apparently, you can't rush out and have a Burger King Double Whopper (oooooooh, just the thought of it!) as your stomach cannot handle it. We will follow their advice and start off with a 'breakfast' of papaya, yoghurt and honey at the SPA. Sounds delicious...but we need to stop thinking about that now.

We have been having a running battle with the veg broths that we have every day. They have different 'flavours' - but they all taste like nothing. It is as if they just dragged some veggies through some boiling water. Helen likes the potato skin broth (not a hint of the actual skin inside), while I like the power broth, which is heavily garlic. You can buy some additional vegetables (garlic, coriander, lemongrass, etc) but it doesn't really make that much difference. You can't actually chew the veggies, they are just there for the flavour. But it is a different taste, and we treat it like a slap-up dinner every night.

In the afternoon we take a drive around the island. We visit the Big Buddha. Helen gets out to inspect it, but I remain firmly in the car. I am actually just too tired to climb all those stairs. We check out a ferry pier as we have intentions of doing a day trip to the nearby island of Phangan. We also sneak in to see the new Four Seasons Resort on the island. What a magnificent view it has. But the moment we drive up to the entrance, we are surrounded by guards and staff, all ready to welcome us to this exclusive retreat. So, we don't even get out of the car - we just make a beeline out. But we can say we have seen it!

We also take a drive to an alleged viewpoint on the mountain. A lovely picturesque road ends up in the most appalling track and we have to backtrack down the mountain again. All this monkeying around serves one purpose - to kill time and stop us thinking about food.

In the evening, we take the Irish girl (her name is Trudy) along with us to the Chaweng massage parlour. Helen has a facial and I have my feet scraped. Once again, tiredness starts overwhelming us by 8.30 and we have to head back to the hotel and slumberland. Fabulously, marvellously, incredibly, we are past the halfway mark. Without even a sniff of bacon and eggs, spaghetti bolognaise, lambs chops or mango ice cream......aah, the thought of it makes me quite weak. How have we managed? I really don't know. But we have.

Day 5 - Thursday

This was not the greatest day. I felt tired and doing the colonics was a real pain in the butt (literally!!!) I am just weary of it all. And both Helen and I could not talking and thinking about food. Everytime we tried to change the topic it would come back to food. Amazing what a big part of our lives it is. Pathetic, really.

In the morning we went in search of Office 2007 software for my computer, so that I can work on the newsletter. All in vain, I am afraid. We tried a few places, but the best I could do was some pirate version for 120 baht (R30). Will have to wait until Phuket.

In the afternoon, we took a drive to see the Grandfather and Grandmother rocks on the beach near Lamai. The rocks, shaped like the male and female sex organ, are quite a tourist attraction. We didn't think much of them - especially seeing the walk down to the beach was lined with stalls selling all sorts of Thai sweets and other eats. Sort of like a torture tunnel, but I kept my eyes straight ahead. Then we had a long swim in the hotel pool - and talked more about food!! Then it was back to the SPA for a colonic cleanse, some broth and some coconut juice. We definitely are a bit low, which I suppose is to be expected. I am tired of the taste of the broth, can't stomach the coconut juice anymore and would love to have another taste - whatever it is. Afterwards, we decided just to drive around Lamai Beach to keep ourselves occupied until exhaustion overtook us. Helen made me keep the window closed so that the cooking smells did not waft in!!! Finally, at 8.30pm we headed for the hotel and bed.

I know everyone has bad days during the fast, so we will slog on. It's not that we are physically hungry - our stomachs are filled with the concoctions we have to drink. The food thing is in the mind. And, overall, things are not really that bad - we can still raise a smile and have a good laugh about our situation. There are plenty of opportunities, what with the ridiculous broths and drinks we are living on, as well as the colonics. The idea of two South Africans starving themselves on a Thai island remains a bizarre idea. We will remain positive, because we both want to get through this.

It will get better and tomorrow will be day 6 - we are nearly there. It really will be get a great achievement for both of us. Who thought I could actually do it? I know that it will change my thinking about food and my body for the better and has been an experience I will never forget. Thank goodness Helen was here or else I might have slipped up. I dream of condensed milk and wholewheat bread and a plate of samp and beans....oh, banish these evil thoughts! Let me quickly make a cup of peppermint tea before I falter... Good night, day five is done!

Day 6 - Friday

Another difficult day. I had no energy at all. I read somewhere that the sixth day is the most difficult. Well, that's the case for me. Helen said she had a difficult night, she was so desperate for a salty taste that she considered licking one of the Pringle crisps that come with the minibar. But she hung in there and survived. She is stronger than I am, as I had the whole minibar removed from my room. I could not bear to have the temptation. All there is in my room is water. And toothpaste - and don't think I haven't thought of eating some of that, just to get a different taste.

In the morning we went on a drive to check out the ferries for our return journey. The time really flew past and we seemed to be having our detox drinks and supplement pills every few minutes (there are 90 minutes between each lot). Then we drove up the mountain to a viewpoint where we spent about 30 mins in a restaurant with a splendid view of the forests, coconut groves and sea in the distance. Of course, all we could order was a bottle of water each. Unfortunately, a couple plonked themselves down next to us and ordered the most-delicious looking Thai food. Aaaaaaaaaaaah, the temptation.

We are still talking about food. We have been fantasising about baked potatoes, tomato sandwiches, spaghetti bolognaise, braaied sausage eaten cold .... It's ridiculous really. But you try not eating for six days and you will discover that even the thought of a salted slither of cucumber sounds like heaven on earth!

For me, the worst part remains the colonic cleansing twice a day. I don't mind the actual cleansing, but I cannot bear the whole saga any longer - setting up the room, cleaning it afterwards, etc, etc. I can't stand all the smells in the SPA. When I first arrived, it seemed perfect. Now it all stinks to me - but I am probably just smelling my own breath!

The night was also difficult. I had to go the 7-Eleven to buy a phonecard for my cellphone, but I made sure that Helen came with me. I know it would be absolute madness to give up now, with only one day to go. However, it's better to have company when you have to wend your way through aisles of chocolates, bread, biscuits..... Tomorrow is the last day. I can hardly believe it. Only 24 hours and we can claim victory. What a battle it has been.

Day 7 - Saturday

If the last two days were bad, this one was sheer hell. I really felt sick most of the day - sore stomach, headache, nausea, pains all over. We decided to take a ferry trip to the island of Phangan to get our minds off the fasting - and it almost worked. We caught a ferry for the 50-minute trip and then hired a bouncy 'baht-bus' taxi to take us to the best snorkelling spot on the island.

What a trip it was! I ended up sitting on the floor of the pick-up truck, but it was still very rough going. And the snorkelling spot was right on the other side of the island. When we got there, it was well worthwhile as it was very beautiful and only a handful of tourists and Thais snorkelling and diving.

In the early evening we had our last drinks and tablets - and our last coffee colonic cleansing. Thank goodness, I don't know if I could have survived another one..... In preparation for the big day tomorrow, we went to Tesco Lotus with Trudy (the Irish wedding girl) and Helen did a big, big shop for food and other treats...

We are ready to get back to food. Only one night to go. In the morning I just know I will feel much, much better, just knowing that it is all over. Good night, cruel, cruel world.

After the fast

Here is the headline news - I lost 14 kilograms on the fast and the six days of fruit and veg before that. I weighed myself before leaving Phuket and on my return. I am very happy - and, although, there is still a mountain to climb, I have got the boots on now....

The first thing to pass my lips, was a piece of naartjie, followed by a delicious slice of wholewheat bread, with butter and jam. Total heaven....

On the way back, we stopped over for a good night's rest at Khao Lak in a lovely beach resort - and treated ourselves plates and plates of Thai food. Well, we couldn't really eat that much, but it did feel like a lot.

Going back to eating normally (if there is such a thing) has been great - and it has not been difficult to stick to a reasonable diet. Two things I have brought back home with me is NEVER to eat after 9pm at night (and I am a real midnight snacker) and to try to stick to fruit and vegetables on a Monday.

Overall, I think it was a worthwhile experience and something most people should try. It gives one a different insight into eating and food. I am not sure I would do it again. Maybe I would go back to a health farm and do a vegetarian fast. But I am very glad I did it. For one, it proved I could do it. And that is something.

What I found puzzling on my return to Phuket was that some people just seemed to refuse to accept that I had been to the health farm, stuck to the fast and lost the weight. A couple of them INSISTED that I had put on weight in the past two weeks. It is a bizarre feeling. On two occasions Helen was with me when it happened - and even her vouching for me (and she knows the facts 100%) did not deter them. I do know that when one loses or puts on weight, you can look "different" to people, although they can't tell exactly how. As far as I can see, I don't look any different, but I certainly do NOT look fatter. It's a strange thing, but there's nothing one can say....

The first weekend I was back I was asked to write a piece on my experiences for the Sunday Times Travel and Food magazine. We rushed around trying to find a picture to go with the article. In the end, Helen gave the newspaper a picture she took of me in the pool at the MyQ Hotel. I was submerged in the water from the neck down, so I looked great. Thank you, Helen, what a flattering snap.....

Anyway, you can view the picture and read the article here:
http://www.thetimes.co.za/PrintEdition/Lifestyle/Article.aspx?id=782515

And here is the link to an article I wrote about Koh Samui in the same edition:
http://www.thetimes.co.za/PrintEdition/Lifestyle/Article.aspx?id=782516

And, so the fatfarm saga comes to an end. Thanks to the many people who were so supportive and followed our progress every inch of the way. If anybody reading this has any doubts about going on a detox fast, my message to them is: GO FOR IT! It will change your life in many ways and it's not really that difficult. If I can do it, anyone can.